With Valentine’s Day around the corner, romance becomes a topic of interest for many.  Research on healthy relationships has uncovered important information for couples, about what we can do to have a more satisfying love relationship.  Below are seven areas to focus on to strengthen connection with the one you love.

Friendship

This connects us to others, including our partner.  To build a closer friendship, couples should spend more time together, find a shared hobby or activity to enjoy together and talk with one another about interests, opinions and preferences often. This will help couples create a stronger bond that will help through the tougher times in partnership.

The Present

Here and now moments accumulate to create our life story.  Acknowledge ordinary moments by listening closely when your partner is sharing ideas and attend to the small pleasures in your daily life together.  One simple strategy is to pick a specific time of day when you are with your partner to take a deep breath and notice your surroundings, paying close attention to sensory experiences.

Positives

There’s a reason that ‘focus on the positives’ is a cliché term.  Choosing where we focus our attention shifts our perspective and, in turn, changes our reality.  Remind yourself often of recent good times you’ve shared with your partner.  If you find yourself dwelling on annoyances and are experiencing negative thoughts, rethink the situation and come up with a more neutral explanation (such as, ‘she probably is busy and lost track of time,’ instead of ‘she doesn’t care enough to call to say she’ll be late’).

The Messages in Our Anger

Anger is a signal to us that a desire or need is not being met.  There are hidden messages to be uncovered if we look closely at our angry reactions.  Thoughts about your partner’s behavior are a good place to focus.  “You’re never home!” may actually mean “I miss you and I want to spend more time with you.”

Equal Power

Sharing in decision-making is an important aspect of healthy, mutually respectful relationships.  Compromise on issues that you are less invested in so you can stand firm on those areas where you feel very strongly.  Consider carefully before disagreeing, is it something that you rate as very important? If not, it serves the relationship to agree to compromise.

Common Goals

Increased relationship satisfaction is associated with shared dreams.  Look for goals that you and your partner agree on – parenting practices, finances, activities, and retirement are important areas to consider.  During talks, focus on common ideals and build from there. (Do you both want to travel more?  This may be good way to negotiate about financial and retirement goals.)

Gratitude

Appreciation for your partner will help you remember why you fell in love in the first place.  Make regular efforts to show appreciation for your partner, whether it’s with genuine compliments or small gestures that show you care.  The more gratitude we give, the more receive and the more aware we are of just how special our love really is.

Couples Counseling

Holly Williamsen is in private practice providing couples counseling and individual therapy to adults in the Toluca Lake, Burbank, Studio City, San Fernando Valley, Sherman Oaks, Hollywood, Los Angeles, and Studios areas of California.